The Anniversary of my Divorce...
I don't mean to confuse, the divorce that I speak of wasn't from a person. A divorce from an organization that you've heard me mention before. An organization with strict policies about everything from belief, dress, activities of every kind and a framework that encourages mindless obedience to dated rituals.
About 2 years ago this month was when I separated from the Air Force. I remember being so terrified of the choice and suffered from insomnia almost every night that lead up to the end. Everyone did their best to comfort me and remind me that I wasn't alone, but as much as I hated the military and everything it stood for, I still felt a loyalty to the cause that I couldn't quite explain.
Perhaps it's the same way for women in abusive relationships. I knew that my survival depended on exiting but I was full of guilt and felt disloyal to the units that had supported and cared for me all those years. I still feel guilty about not deploying, and I still feel a twinge of regret when I see a person in uniform. The confidence and self-importance the military way of life bestows upon even it's lowest ranking individuals is a boon to anyone who suffers from low self esteem.
But it also encourages bad habits, and it provides an ideal climate for youthful misadventures to continue unabated for extended periods of time. The lack of connection between the constantly rotating casts of friends and cohorts in your life makes it easy to treat people badly and rarely to be faced with the consequences, since either you or your victim will transfer out eventually, apologies are rarely required.
Most girls from a sheltered and religious background (such as mine) are swallowed up by the filth that masquerades as "life" while on duty. Far away from parents and positive role models, it's easy to assume that the whole world operates on some other sort of moral parallel. Even the people who were supposed to looking out for us were too busy exploiting us for their own desires.
I could say that I learned a lot while I was in, and it would be true. I learned that I can be strong, and control my own life and make good choices. But I also learned that everyone has their own agenda, and you can't depend on the world to care about you. There is something so transient about that military lifestyle, and you couldn't pay me to ever go back. I think that having family and a solid set of friends requires you to be responsible and accountable for your actions.
My life has changed drastically in the past 2 years since I left the Air Force, and I continue to learn valuable life lessons. More importantly though, is the freedom I have now.
~erin
About 2 years ago this month was when I separated from the Air Force. I remember being so terrified of the choice and suffered from insomnia almost every night that lead up to the end. Everyone did their best to comfort me and remind me that I wasn't alone, but as much as I hated the military and everything it stood for, I still felt a loyalty to the cause that I couldn't quite explain.
Perhaps it's the same way for women in abusive relationships. I knew that my survival depended on exiting but I was full of guilt and felt disloyal to the units that had supported and cared for me all those years. I still feel guilty about not deploying, and I still feel a twinge of regret when I see a person in uniform. The confidence and self-importance the military way of life bestows upon even it's lowest ranking individuals is a boon to anyone who suffers from low self esteem.
But it also encourages bad habits, and it provides an ideal climate for youthful misadventures to continue unabated for extended periods of time. The lack of connection between the constantly rotating casts of friends and cohorts in your life makes it easy to treat people badly and rarely to be faced with the consequences, since either you or your victim will transfer out eventually, apologies are rarely required.
Most girls from a sheltered and religious background (such as mine) are swallowed up by the filth that masquerades as "life" while on duty. Far away from parents and positive role models, it's easy to assume that the whole world operates on some other sort of moral parallel. Even the people who were supposed to looking out for us were too busy exploiting us for their own desires.
I could say that I learned a lot while I was in, and it would be true. I learned that I can be strong, and control my own life and make good choices. But I also learned that everyone has their own agenda, and you can't depend on the world to care about you. There is something so transient about that military lifestyle, and you couldn't pay me to ever go back. I think that having family and a solid set of friends requires you to be responsible and accountable for your actions.
My life has changed drastically in the past 2 years since I left the Air Force, and I continue to learn valuable life lessons. More importantly though, is the freedom I have now.
~erin
posted by saucybritches at
9/18/2007 11:39:00 AM
2 Comments:
I think leaving the military was a very brave decision. It is like an abusive relationship, they treat you bad most of the time but you feel guilt about leaving the part that is good, even if that part is really small. I'm so glad you did it. I could just see how it was going to slowly eat away the Erin I knew. I remember once telling you that you needed to stop dating militarty players and find yourself a nice civilian graphic designer who liked rock climbing. I'm glad you found him, he gave you the push you need to leave the military.
Well put Erin, too bad every potential recruit can't read it.
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