Lost & Found

I have an ex that I occasionally check on. It's not anything really, except I want to know that he's okay. You know, that he didn't end up dead or in jail...with his crowd it's hard to say what might happen. And he was really my first "love". I used to say that it wasn't love, but then I realized that I really did make a choice to care about him and then stuck to it, even though it was all wrong for me.

A friend sent me a link to his MySpace page. To be perfectly frank, I never thought he would be on MySpace. He was always so private about his life. He looks healthy and happy, and I feel a bit of relief. I need to know where my history is. I like that I am friends with ex-boyfriends. I like to know that everyone is okay... There are a few people that I know I hurt (out of immaturity and selfishness) and I don't have any contact with them. The guilt I feel about that is something that always weighs on my mind. But, knowing that most of them have forgiven me or moved on and let go is enough I guess.

I feel a little guilty for my own happiness sometimes. After everything that happened in my life, the fact that I ended up with Tim is really sort of amazing. It's hard for me to trust it completely, I feel like something might happen and take it all away. But, I am trying to stop feeding into that insecurity. I don't want to wonder if I deserve this. I know that I don't, but at the same time, if this wasn't meant to be, then I know nothing else that is. Maybe I just fell into this big pot of sticky delicious luck. No matter what happens, I'm staying to soak it all in.

So, I send out apologies to those I've hurt, burned or wounded. To most all of you I've tried to say sorry and let you know it wasn't my intention. Sometimes, people are just screwed up. It took me a long time to find my way and become more aware of other people's feelings. I'm still learning and I hope that I can somehow repay the universe for any negativity I sent out.