Once upon a time I had plenty of nothing, which was fine with me...

I was thinking today about my old me. The “me” that didn’t give a crap about the world, the “me” that didn’t want the things that the “now-me” does. I remember reciting to myself, “ I will never get married… “ and I believed it. I thought marriage was a one way ticket to a boring life and I didn’t want any part of it. Of course, then I grew up a little and realized that my world wasn’t as small as it felt. I wasn’t as big as I felt. The ignorance that allowed me to be selfish, narcissistic, and just plain self-destructive, started to crumble away and I saw my future stretching out before me. I guess I miss the comfort of ignorance, but it numbed me to the ecstatic happiness that the real world is capable of offering.

The military insulates you from reality in a lot of ways. It almost brainwashes you into staying disconnected from your surroundings. You never know when a friend will move, or die…. You just can’t afford to be that invested. I remember waking up in my apartment here in Denver, back in 2003, and feeling like my life was wasting away. I saw my future alone, in the military, a thankless job with bullshit by the tons and I knew that I had to get out. The world was so big and if I stayed in, it would never be real to me. When I met Tim, I saw a man who was already in that world. He had plans and ideas and he cared about things that were new to me. He was a man that had ideals and principles and he convinced me that we could go down that road together and I could have all the things I thought I never wanted.

Maybe I’m rambling, but I guess it’s just because I see how much my life is changing and it excites me. I wanted to stay young and free forever, but now I realize what a prison that really was. The real freedom is being able to be honest with the world about who you are. I can finally talk about all the things that matter to me. I can make friends and have meaningful relationships with people who are struggling for the same understanding of the world that I am. The shallow, brief connections that the military life offered, really can’t compare to life as it is for me now.

I have such wonderful friends and such a great life. I see on the horizon things that have never been there before. At 27, I’m just starting to feel fulfilled. I can’t wait to have a house, a baby, a real career, to see the world, to climb a 14’er. I mean, what the hell… The world is my oyster. What an amazing feeling!