I'm Sensitive...

I’ve been this way my whole life. I don’t know when it started but as long as I can remember, I have always gotten my feelings hurt easily. When I was a child, it was pretty acceptable for me to get upset and run to tell my mother that someone had said something mean to me. When I got a little older, I would just turn beet-red and then cry myself to sleep at night. After I left home and joined the Air Force, I learned that being sensitive just means that you are always having a bad day. So, I used to imagine that everyone was about to make fun of me and then I’d think of something mean first. Immature I know…

The older I got, the more adept I became at being the first one to strike. I got to be wicked really, and it didn’t protect me at all. If anything, it made me more of a target. So, I stopped trying to pick on people and just tried to be more good natured about my own flaws. This is VERY hard for someone with low self esteem. One night, I sat down with a bottle of wine and wrote down everything that was wrong with me physically, mentally, athletically and of course personality-wise. It was torture. I tried to think of all the mean things people had said to me (and I remembered every single one…. Sensitive people are like that.) The list was endless, but I figured that now that I already knew what was wrong with me, I couldn’t be hurt when someone else pointed them out.

Some things you just can’t change. Things you’re born with, (i.e. freckles, a honking-snorty laugh, pasty skin etc) so those things really hurt because you really can’t do that much to change them. But, the more life experience I’ve had, I’ve tried to fix some bad habits and personality flaws that will make me less of a target for teasing. One of my flaws, however, is self-sabotage. On the one hand, I hate being teased, but on the other hand, I like attention. Call me crazy, but I’d rather have someone being mean to me than ignoring me. (Welcome to the root of all my relationship troubles from way back when…) So, while I’ve tried to fix certain things, there have been lots of other irritating habits of mine that have flourished because I just can’t stop.

The biggest one is talking. Too much, too loud, too often. I interrupt, I prattle on and on and usually I don’t even realize I’m being obnoxious until it’s over. I get giddy with attention. When people are listening to me, my heart beat races and I go all warm. I love being in the middle and I love making people laugh be entertained. This is the root of the experience I had the other night.

Tim and I were at a romantic dinner. I had a couple glasses of wine and we were chatting in a fairly intimate room about this book I am reading called, “The Human Story”. It’s about the path humans have taken since we first came into existence and the chapter we were discussing was about the beginning of religion. As I was comparing Siddartha, Muhammed, and Jesus, this couple (two men) sat down at a table very near us. I became aware right away that one of them was listening to Tim and I’s conversation, and for entertainment’s sake, I made some comment about the possibility that Jesus was gay.

Now, before my Mom reads this and sends me a letter about how I’m being blasphemous, let me just say that I was referring to the fact that Siddartha and Muhammed both had wives before they became Holy men and that fact is widely accepted, but the church insists that Jesus was celibate. The church also insists that the priests remain celibate and as everyone knows, there is a huge percentage of celibate priests that are gay. But I digress, anyway, I guess I partially said that to be silly, but also for shock value. I continued talking with Tim about other things I also mentioned a section in the book describing the contribution Paul had to the bible and paraphrased something to Tim about Paul being responsible for a lot of the doctrine in the bible.

Just before we received our dessert, these young men had finished their dinner and one of them came over to the table and proceeded to quote various scriptures of the bible to me and basically asserted that Jesus WAS responsible for all the doctrine in the bible and that I better “Check my facts.” He wasn’t being hostile or aggressive, but I was humiliated. I’m sure everyone in the room heard and saw the interaction and I’m sure EVERYONE saw the uncomfortable shade of pink I was turning. I simply replied, “I know… I’ve been to church too. I was referring to a book that I’m reading…” It took all my self-control not to blurt out, “Why don’t you check YOUR facts you nosey little shit?” and go off on some tangent. I know that arguing religion is as pointless as throwing rocks at the moon and I knew that my big fat mouth had brought this on. I can’t expect everyone to be as entertained by my talking as I am. Well, except for Tim. He seems to get a kick out of it. Well, at least, I thought he did.

I mentioned at dinner tonight how embarrassed I was about that little experience and he commented that the only reason I should feel embarrassed was, if I ,”was talking louder because I WANTED them to hear what I was saying.” Well, yeah, I was. I’m a big mouth who needs attention. SO there you have it. Flaws. I’ve got a lot of them, and apparently the gift of gab, is really more of a curse.