To be at the bottom of the stack…

Anger and frustration almost always lead me to tears. I get so mad that I want to scream, but I can’t (and won’t) so instead I cry. Mostly I want to scream at myself. I hide behind a lot of false confidence in myself and that deception sometimes leads me into situations where I won’t admit I’m wrong. I feel like if I admit I’m wrong that I’ve admitted I’m inferior. And… inferiority is my greatest fear. It’s always been that word/feeling that plagued me most in life.

I made a mistake today that, while very small, left a client unsatisfied with their product. Now that it has already gone to print, changes can not be made. But, I will have lost this client’s trust and reference and I feel AWFUL. In the Air Force, money never exchanged hands when it came to products. A desire for greatness was always hampered by protocol and “Air Force Blue”. Where I was once a big fish in a very small pond, I am now a very small fish in an unfathomably large pond and I am feeling the ripples of that.

My mom says not to worry and to “power on through”. I know she’s right, but all the same I feel like a failure. This whole situation is only made more frustrating with my fears about the future. I think that because I don’t have a degree, my experience is tainted. People don’t want you to have just experience, they want that insurance from a major organization that says, “yeah we trained her to do this job…” I miss my old job. Boy did it suck, but at least I knew what I was doing.