I thought I heard a noise outside, but it turns out that it's just Daisy snoring while napping...

Me in 1998... Do we look alike?  

My mom, back in 1978, before I was born.  

confessions...

As I am sure most of you can tell, I am going through a bit a hard time right now. I feel like things are in a serious upheaval and I’ve talked a lot about endings and beginnings. It’s true that change is a part of life, but some people are better with it than others. I consider myself to be a strong person, but this proving to me that my self possessed “can-do” attitude isn’t really who I am. I don’t feel very strong right now. So, if I’ve seemed weird or off lately, it’s just because I’m dealing with some stuff.

I’m fine of course, but most definitely not myself. I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat, (which I never do) and feeling pretty fragile. My friend Tiffany got orders to Washington D.C. and as much as we’ve had our ups and downs, it’s really hard to say goodbye to someone who I’ve worked with every day for the past four years. I just got the news today that my little sister is moving from Denver back to Oregon. I guess in comparison to other hardships in the world, mine are minor, but still rather upsetting.

I feel like everything is moving and changing and the only real constant is my life with Tim, but that everything else is all crazy and up in the air. I’m a Taurus, I hate that.

Maya learns how her ears are attached to her tongue. :)  

Tim and Rachel look on as... 

Shavani, Me, Lena and Maya... 

Maya does her "Movie Star" pose... 

Tim's new neck warmer.  

Chloe apparently now eating the rug I put in her kennel.  

Chloe Report

Okay, so after spending most of the day out in the backyard, due to her lack of bowel control, she has really managed to top herself. The normal festival of poo is now accompanied by 3 very large holes. I can only assume she was craving Chinese food and decided to burrow to China in order to get it. Also, the rug that I put in her kennel so she’d have a softer bed, was buried in one of those holes. I guess she was trying to save it for later or something. Are dogs crazy?

She’s so cute really. She jumps high up in the air with a frenetic excitement every time anything moves within her scope. She’s sweet when it is late afternoon and she’s lolling about in the grass trying to catch bugs. But, she doesn’t seem to understand “no” and well…”NO!” the way our kitties do. Maybe she’ll outgrow this stage…

Okay, I think Chloe has separation anxiety. She goes outside, does her "business" then comes inside, I go to take a shower, she tries to get in the shower, I take her out of the bathroom, I close the door, I take a shower, I get out, she has done her business again, except this time, in my bedroom. Either she has problems or this is a terrorist plot.

I am not your pet-sitter go to girl anymore!

Seriously, no more. I like animals, but the next time you decide to take a vacation and want to leave little Fluffy or Spot at home for two weeks, don’t call me. After driving out to Aurora (30 minutes out and back) for the past two weekends, not to mention, stopping by every day during the week after work, I get a mumbled thanks and a, “she seemed really insane when I got home…”.

Well yeah buddy. I mean I can drive by and feed your cat and play with her for a while, but that doesn’t mean that she is going to be happy being left alone in your apartment. Geeez... It makes me glad to do favors for my friends, but a little gratitude goes a long ways. *annoyed*

What are you doing with that bright light in my face?  

Chloe was relegated to the back yard after a run in with Cleo. These poor cats are so pissed off about a dog being in the house. :P 

Tim's "I hate Home Depot" face... :) 

Our second trip to Home Depot yesterday... 

Okobo construction, part one... Wrong saw blades, wrong sander... 

A festival of poop and pee and torn up yard. That is what the last two days have been. Not to mention no sleep and extremely disgruntled cats. We are just not dog people. Well, Tim is more patient than I am. I love dogs, I think they are so cute.... And the trip to the dog park was fun, but all the other stuff... not as fun.

The view of the sunset from La Pasadita Inn where we had dinner with our good friend Dane...  

Tiffany with the blig blue bear at the Colorado Convention Center. We were there checking out the Portfolio Review of the Art Institute students... 

The face of my life-sized spooky butler for my Halloween party... He's dreamy, no?  

We are dogsitting Chloe for the weekend... 

Another... 

The dahlias that Tim bought for me at the Saturday Market last week... 

The End

I’ve talked before about life having chapters. I’ve wanted to write mine for so long. I have so many stories and things I would like to share, but I don’t know where to begin. I’d like to write about the beginning of my life, the earliest memories I have of being a child, watching my parents and siblings grow up. I’ve wanted to write about my miserable teen years and all the pain I’ve been through. But, I’m realizing it might be less than cathartic. The time I’ve spent recently reflecting on my military career has just made me more upset and sad, than relieved.

It’s hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced this yet. But when I left home to join the Air Force I was really just a kid. I was a bit socially backward and the years that followed were complicated and difficult. Life lessons learned, mistakes made and paid for. I searched high and low for people to love me and understand me. I got really close, a few times, to finding what I was looking for. I’d feel the glow of adoration from someone and mistake my appreciation for love. It was a very confusing time. I immersed myself in nightlife. It’s so sparkly… And the anticipation and promise of finding affection drove my daily habits for years. I collected boyfriends for years before realizing how empty and wasteful it was.

A few too many nights of drunken drama on the side walk in front of some random party house. A few too many nights of smoking a cigarette next to the window, wrapped up in sheets in an unfamiliar apartment. The wandering is what will kill your insides. You place your future on someone unworthy, or you place it on someone who is incapable of being what you need. Those kisses just remind you of all you’re missing. You stop hoping for the best, you stop believing in human kindness, you stop seeking your true self. That lost feeling is what ruins people. It drives them to do things they never thought they’d do.

All this reflection about my life has had the side effect of melancholy. Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m the smiley type. I’m happy with where I’m at but I am not sure sometimes how to reconcile myself with who I was in the past. I can’t move forward into this new chapter without some sort of resolution. And I can’t seek resolution without delving into the mistakes I made. Apologies are ineffective. People cannot absolve me of my wrongs. I need to let go of them somehow.

I hope that this change in my life, the end of the Air Force, will start a chain reaction. I’ve left the child in myself beside the fork in the road. It needs to stay there as a symbol of discovery and release from youthful misadventures. I hope that everyone who knew me back then can see where truth found me and changed me. It wasn’t an overnight change, but it has become who I am. I’ve stopped deceiving people about my feelings. It’s all out there now. The double life that I lived as a child and as an adult, the driving force behind my low self esteem, that feeling of not being good enough, but wanting to fake like I was. Being afraid to be who I was, was what made me a unhappy fool. There is nothing to be afraid of anymore.

I hope that my life and the things that I do will be successful despite my own failings. I hope that the end of this military career has brought me to the point where I can move on in this life and the new world that I will be experiencing. I wonder if things will look different to me. And finally, will I be able to breathe that sigh of release and appreciate my freedom?

Thoughts

Halloween – I bought my first batch of Halloween candy today. Why does it have to be so good? I didn’t eat too much, but enough that I felt kind of sick by the end of the day. :P Ah well… Such is the season.

MySpace – I found a bunch of old friends on MySpace yesterday. It’s so strange to take these walks down memory lane. I feel like I’m a million miles from Montana and my friends that I knew there. Not to mention, Maryland…

Maryland – I got orders to Fort Meade, MD today. Of course, I have to turn them down because I’m getting out. I could never live there, Maryland is like my Brigadoon. It existed, to me, as a strange, parallel universe where I collided with my old selves. My first time there was when I was just 18. It was home to some of my most exciting and horribly terrifying moments in my life. Then 3 years ago, I went back and had even more crazy experiences. That base is “Bad Joo Joo”, as my friend Jesse used to say. I will say though that the good memories I have from there stand out to me clearer and brighter than most of the memories I have of my military career. And they have a kick ass soundtrack… Some Pink Floyd, Flogging Molly, Starsailor and Cat Stevens. (Shout out to Jesse, April, Daniel, and Alesha...)

Air Force – We are working 7 days a week until the big “INSPECTION” is over with on the 23rd of October. Also, we have officially been at war longer than we were during Word War II. On that note, my morale is at an all time low.

Forgiveness and Apologies – I have never claimed to be perfect. (Well, maybe once or twice but I was drunk and mostly kidding…) I would like to take a moment to acknowledge some friends of mine that I selfishly wronged in the past. I was an obnoxious teenager and a pretentious, know-it-all young adult. I was needlessly mean to people who were trying to help me and broke promises left and right. I can’t go back to each one of you and try to apologize, the fact is, some of you aren’t speaking to me. But, if you ever read this, I want you to know that I know I was wrong. I was too wrapped up in my own problems to be a very good friend to anyone. So for those of you that actually stuck it out, and still speak to me… Thanks, I’m mostly better now. I hope I can repay your kindness someday.

And in other news – When I do yoga, I feel like a fat uncoordinated lump flailing my limbs about. Is this normal? I’m a pretty good dancer I swear, but ask me to hold any pose, I look like I’m having some sort of severe muscle spasm… What is up with that?

~e

From PO to NYC

From PO to NYC

My best friend in the whole world, Echo, just moved to NYC. This is her blog...

If anyone is trying to reach me via MySpace, my account there is down for some reason...

The Lost Boys...

Cedric, Rob, Chris, Neill … They were the ones that ended certain periods in my life. Each a catalyst for change, albeit unintentionally. None of it was love, but mostly adoration, worship, devotion and dogged determination.

When I was 16, I used lay in bed at night fantasizing about Cedric and our life together. Granted at 16, most of the fantasy consisted of kissing and holding hands while walking down the halls of my high school. Cedric had black hair and dark skin and a smile like a Cheshire cat. We were the same age, our birthdays a mere 5 days apart. My girlfriends would joke about how he wore too much cologne and always looked sweaty, but I didn’t really care. I’d live for the last period of the day, typing class, where he’d push his chair over to mine and ask me to print out 2 of typing assignment so he wouldn’t have to do his. I’d hope and pray that we’d have an earthquake drill so we could pile under the desk and I could pretend he was crowding me. He tortured me for most of the time that he went to Pacific. I loved it. He’d pull my hair, leave gross things in my locker… And eventually he called me at home a few times. Nothing ever came of it. He spent most of the time dating this girl with tits the size of watermelons. I heard he moved to Watsonville or something like that. He was my first loser, my first reason to loathe myself and wish that everything about me was different so that he’d love me.

When I was 19, I met Rob. Or rather, he met me. I was stranded at some horrible party and called my friend Joel to rescue me. Rob was riding shotgun. He was short, inflammatory, all gangsta’d out and pretty much obnoxious. I instantly liked him. He had dark hair and skin, and a smile that glowed in his dark face. When he’d laugh you could see a glimpse of a silver cap on one of his back teeth. I memorized that smile and was in search of it for 2 ½ years. We took turns torturing each other by dragging out sick plays for the other’s affection… I’d chase him and he’d tell me he only liked Puerto Rican girls. He’d come to my room and I’d refuse to answer the door. I told his other girlfriends what a horrible man he was. He told my boyfriends that I was a bitch. My 21st birthday I spent confessing my love, he left town the next day. He knew better than I, in the end that it never would have worked. I couldn’t grow up and become who I needed to be if we stayed together. Even later on, the drama fell away and he moved to Denver after I’d been here a few months. We became friends, we joked about getting married… But in the end, he went away and I moved on.

When I was 20 (in between all the Rob business) I met Chris. Dark hair and skin (are we seeing a pattern here?) and the biggest brown eyes ever. I watched him play guitar on stage with his band and was mesmerized. He was so different from the other boys I met in Montana. Intriguing differences… Beyond his talent and intelligence, he was quiet, and he never gave anything away. He had some serious walls. I thought maybe at one point I might have been able to get through or over them somehow, but he kept distance between us and I was too young and insecure to have the kind of fortitude to see it through. Later on though, almost two years later, we met in the middle again. It’s hard not to believe in fate when things like that happen. I was petrified about my life and the direction it was taking. But we spent some time together and he made some observations that gave me a little courage. He made me hate myself less.

Neill was my project. We met and starting dating right away. A few weeks into it, I was pulling my typical 2 month “gotta get out” thing and told my Mom about it. She told me that I had “commitment issues”. I guess it had occurred to me that I had a problem committing to relationships, but I assumed it was because the guys were all wrong for me. I convinced myself to dig my heels and stick with Neill. I did all the girlfriend things, I convinced myself that this is what love felt like. It wasn’t passionate or exciting, but it wasn’t horrible either. He wasn’t a bad guy, to be fair, but he was all wrong for me. So, six months into this relationship, he dumped me. HE dumped ME. I was back to loathing myself. I obsessed for months about what I had done wrong and why hadn’t I been able to fix it. My good friend Monica pointed out that I wasn’t wrong, he wasn’t wrong… We were just wrong together. It makes it easier to accept that as the truth now that I am with someone who is right.

It makes sense now… It shouldn’t ever have to be that hard. Life is hard, marriage is hard, but the loving part is easy. And loving someone else makes it so much easier to love yourself. I think now about my relationship with Tim and how I came to be what I am today. I wouldn’t ever change the past. None of the drama or the discovery was so horrible that it overshadowed the lessons I learned about myself. I can’t blame them for my lack of self-worth. I have to thank them really for giving me those little bits of education. They might not ever know, and I guess it’s a shame really. I wonder sometimes if I helped any of them with their lessons…

~e

Driving to the store with Miss Daisy. :) She hasn't mastered turns yet though... we only let her drive on straight streets.... 

My good friend Arian is in town this weekend... Poor girl, she's been globetrotting for the past year or so on this AF assignment. But she came home to see all of us and it is awesome. :)  

The Superficial | Because You're Ugly

The Superficial | Because You're Ugly

This blog cracks me up...

Fall Days are a comin'...

Thoughts…

War Week – Sorry I haven’t had much going on this week. We are working weird shifts and Tiffany is gone on leave right now, so my level of hooliganism and shenaniganism is down this week.

Brush with death – Last night, Tim and I were on our way home from the library and this Mercedes speeding down 1st Avenue almost T-boned us. Tim backed up in time, but the guy behind us had started to follow us out a bit too closely and we backed into him. Neither car was damaged ( ¼ inch scratch on our bumper) so we didn’t do anything about it. It was really scary though.

Costume – I finished my Kanzashi for my costume. I gave up on creating actual Tsumami though. I figure that the reason that there are only like 15 little old men in Japan who know how to do it is the same reason why I am not going to figure it out in time for Halloween, cause it’s damn hard. So, instead I found all these cool silk flowers, took them all apart and built my Kanzashi from them. It doesn’t look quite authentic, but it is really close and really pretty, so it’ll just have to do. Now, on to my Okobo!

Cat Baths – We gave Cleo and Paka a bath today. They were both pretty grungy from playing in the backyard and Cleo was starting to look a little gray from scuzziness, so we got some kitty shampoo and went to it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought, they didn’t really howl or anything but they were really frightened. Thankfully, after we toweled them off and let them wander around the house, they seemed to mellow out and spent most of the afternoon grooming themselves. Cleo looks like a different cat now. She’s so clean and shiny. :o)

Weather – It’s cold and rainy today. That coupled with my Apple Cinnamon candle I have burning in my office makes it feel like Fall. I can’t wait until it’s time for Pumpkin Pie and leaves falling… This is my FAVORITE time of year. Halloween is just around the corner….

Halloween Party – Which reminds me, I am having my Halloween Party on the 29th of October, if you are in the area and have a kick ass costume, then email me and I’ll send you the invite…

The ladies... 

Oh sweet little Cleo... 

Paka looking devious... 

Daisy in profile... 

My three kitties, finally in the same picture. They are all soooo cute! :)  

Fat Mall Girls and Oktoberfest Infidelity

Yesterday was a doozey. I only worked a half day at the Base because I had volunteered to be a beer server at the Denver Oktoberfest. I left work around 12ish to runs some errands first. I headed to the Aurora Mall to drop my wedding rings off at Kay Jewelers so they could solder my engagement ring and wedding band together. After I dropped them off, I went to a couple stores to see if I could find a little “loaner” to wear while I was working the Oktoberfest booth. I mean, the last thing I need is men in Lederhosen thinking I’m available.

I stopped in this little store, kind of like Claire’s or something. There were these two young, very overweight women working there talking about weight loss. One girl says to the other, “Well, I know I need to stop eating fast food, but it’s hard. I think maybe I’ll just get some TrimSpa or something.” The other girl says, “No, that stuff doesn’t work. You just need to start working out and eating right, that’s what I do. I mean, I try to anyway, but my metabolism isn’t what it used to be. My abs need some work.” Now, I don’t mean to be a bitch, and I’m sure to some people, big is beautiful, but this girls’ abs need work? Are you kidding me? She had no waist at all except where she’d cinched her belt too tight and her stomach was hanging over the top. And TrimSpa? This must be who they are marketing their company to. Young overweight women with no discipline, who don’t know any better. Can we blame Anna Nicole Smith for this?

As I'm leaving that store, I get a call from Tim telling me that Summer (his Ex) is stopping by the house to drop off some of Daisy’s toys and things. Now, I don’t really want to see her, I mean that first time we met was really enough for me. So, I putter around the mall for a while longer so as to avoid seeing her. Then I head home, and as I’m driving there, I call Tim to see if she’s left yet. He says that she’s just walked in the door and wants to thank me for letting Daisy move in with us. *sigh* So, I get home and walk in. I mean, I half expected her to be wearing some sort of rodeo clown get-up similar to the first time we met. But there she is, pin-thin and dressed like a normal person.

She proceeds to gush about how *cute* I am in my uniform.( vomit! ) Then she thanks us for taking Daisy etc. I mean, I don’t know if it’s normal to be insecure about meeting your husband’s ex. But she is not just any ex. She was his first love, his first *everything*. And they were together for like 4 years or something. As we are all standing in the dining room, I’m secretly worried that he’s thinking about all the times they had sex, or that her butt looks cute in those jeans. Meanwhile I’m looking all scrubby in my uniform. Finally she leaves, but not before saying that she’ll call us whenever she gets back into town. I want to yell, “Don’t bother! I don’t ever wanna see your skinny ass in this house again!” but instead I wave pleasantly. It's a good thing I choose to ignore my inner child most of the time. :P

I scramble around showering and getting ready ( I ended up just wearing my old silver wedding band) to head down for my shift at Oktoberfest. I think Tim could tell I was kind of put off by the Summer encounter. As we drove downtown in silence, he just put his hand on mine and said, “ I choo-choo choose you”. My sweet husband, he always says the right thing. :)

So my shift at Oktoberfest was pretty uneventful. I mean, it was the usual drunken frat boy types, the fat men in lederhosen, the chicken song every half hour, meat on a stick etc. etc. Toward the end of my shift one of my repeat customers this middle aged man with a bleached blond wife, came back to my tent (soused and sans wife) and leaned over the table and said, “What do I have to do to get you to take cash for beer?”, I said, “I’m sorry but I just can’t do that, it’s against the rules…” So then he leans further over my table and says quietly, “You wanna make out?” I look at him like, *are you nuts?* and say, ”Um…NO!” He looks at me all insulted, “Well why not? That doesn’t make me feel very good...” And as these words come out of his mouth, I see Tim come walking up behind him. So I say, “Have you met my husband Tim?” Tim smiles pleasantly and looks at him expectantly. So the drunken guy just mumbles something about trying to get a free beer and looks at me like *bitch* and high tails it out of there. Luckily Tim has a really good sense of humor *and timing* but it was pretty funny none the less.

So then we rounded out the night by have a fabulous dinner right in the heart of Larimer square at Tamayo with a bunch of our friends. During dinner I recounted my day to Sheila and she agreed that Tim is the most awesome husband ever. Everytime my inner ugly duckling makes me doubt his love, he just drowns it out with his sweetness and understanding. What a relief to know that men like this exist.

My troop Corey had his going-away dinner tonight. I will really miss him. He is the reason I didn't have to go to Iraq, and he was a really amazing friend to me... Goodbye Corey. 

I know you must be thinking....why a whole post about Erin's hair? Where are the posts on religion and politics and all the serious business in the world? What kind of self-absorbed person posts a million times about their hair?

Well, I guess it's because I figured out something about my hair and it's relationship to the relative size of my butt. When I feel like my hair is looking good it inspires me to work out. When I go through bad hair phases, I get chubby. Anyone else experience that?

I also am shocked at how long I had that short hair style. What the hell was I thinking? I think a nose like mine was meant for a head with more hair to balance it out. :P

And in other news, we did not get the DMB tickets. (boo hoo) The damn scalpers man, they screwed us...

The Story of my Hair....

And finally, my hair is to the middle of my back and my ass is down to a size 6...

It's getting really long now... 

I finally get it layered... 

My swiss miss do... 

5 months later, hair still boring, but at least I'm working out again... :P 

Hair just kinda long and boring for our honeymoon and I'm pretty plump. (still getting used to eating together....) 

Side note... I asked Tim to grow a beard. Doesn't he look sexy? 

And wedding ready by July. I was also a bit more plump. Weddings are a lot of work and I forgot to go to the gym for a while... :P 

A little past my shoulders for our engagment photo... 

It was long enough to be worn as an updo for Valentines Day... 

after getting together in the spring, breaking up in the summer, getting back together in the fall, my blonde hairdo and Tim were there for Christmas 2003.  

Immediately went back to blonde...met Tim a week later.