I got the " I Hate Change" Blues...
I’m feeling depressed again. I feel like I’m in purgatory. There is an end in sight, but it doesn’t cure the achy blue that I have. I don’t want to stay but I don’t want to leave. I’m not ready to change but I want to be free. The Air Force is hell, but it is my home and has been for so long. I’m petrified about the future, and nothing anyone can say will make me feel okay. I’m just wallowing in blue. Doesn’t anyone understand how totally frozen with fear and loathing I am? Can there be words of wisdom to shake me out of my doldrums?
*Sigh* Everyone is trying to be so supportive… I feel bad for not responding in a more positive way, but I really feel like no one can understand what I’m feeling right now. I feel alone in a very dark valley. I’m so tired and strung out. They are working me like a dog right now. Every hour that I spend at that place is an hour of my youth that is wasted. I can’t focus on the future because my present takes so much out of me.
Aaargh…..
*Sigh* Everyone is trying to be so supportive… I feel bad for not responding in a more positive way, but I really feel like no one can understand what I’m feeling right now. I feel alone in a very dark valley. I’m so tired and strung out. They are working me like a dog right now. Every hour that I spend at that place is an hour of my youth that is wasted. I can’t focus on the future because my present takes so much out of me.
Aaargh…..
posted by saucybritches at
10/18/2005 07:14:00 PM
4 Comments:
When I was about to get out I was terrified to leave, to push through that thick, blind curtain into the unknown. It might have been the biggest mistake of my life, and I wouldn't know until I'd already taken the plunge. But I was also painfully aware that continuing on in the military would kill me. Or at least would certainly kill the me I wanted to be, and desperately hoped I still was. Deciding to move on (and following through) felt a lot like swimming through mud, and not knowing whether I was heading toward or away from the shore. But it was the best thing I could have done, I think because doing something is always better than doing nothing. Or maybe because I just knew in the deepest pits of my gut that I had to do it, and it feels so good to follow your gut and be right. But I get it, Erin. It sucks not to have certainty on your side. This would be the part where I'd say something to make you feel better, but it wouldn't work. I'll just say that I know you to be strong enough, and you will be ok in the end. I'm with you in spirit, Erin.
-Brian
Sometimes part of change is feeling like arse and being okay with it. You're not going to look pretty doing it... because it's frickin' hard! So go ahead and be depressed about it. It's part of the process. We're always rushing to feel better... to numb out pain... that's not right either. I know you know this. Just thought I'd support by saying, go ahead, feel like shite.
Thanks for your words, Brian. I know you understand my pain better than most... :)
And Steph, thanks for your comment as well. It's nice to know you drop in every once in a while. I'm so looking forward to coming to NYC for Christmas...Hopefully I'll be back to my same old self and we can go rock out with some drinks in the city that never sleeps. :)
Hi Erin,
It me Mom, I was watching a documentary on Vietnam the other day...I told dad I thought we should protest... I wonder if it would do any good. I glad your getting out.
Picture this...
You're standing on a threshhold see, and when looking behind you, you see everything that is familiar, but in front of you is the unknown. "I think your being brave, stepping out into the unknown."
My guess is, no wait, didn't we have this discussion before when you found you got orders to Denver?
Let's see Denver...Oh yeah John Denver, Hippy capital of the world, cool shops, and parks...Oh yeah, and one really cool thing happened in Denver..Tim!! Silly rabbit...
Did you know that people grieve when they change jobs? They do. Think about it
Frustration, blaming, anger, fear, and well I forget the other one, the good news is it will pass...It is just hard to believe that now. So go ahead and go through the motions, everyone else does.
You will be back on top again, just not right now, and you know what? it's okay!
I think everyone understands.
Love Mom
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