full of myself
I've heard that so many times it's starting to lose it's meaning. I know that it is meant as an insult or criticism, but it's such an shortsighted observation that it blows my mind. I can't be full of myself. I don't think there is anyone on this planet who thinks less of me than I do. I spend most of my time trying to glimpse that view of me that everyone else gets...All I really see is loud, boring, ugly old me and sometimes it makes me want to vomit.
When I see anyone with freckles, I wonder if they hate them as much as I do. It just reminds me of how when I was a kid I used to wish for some sort of miracle where I'd wake up with this perfectly empty skin, and magically have also gained some kind of olive complexion that I wouldn't be embarrassed to show while wearing skirts.
I think my mother would say I've been reading way too many magazines, that my idea of beauty is severely warped. I think perhaps she is right, but the truth is, that it doesn't really matter what I think is beautiful or what I wish I was. I will always obsess about my imperfection. It's just something that I do. call me sick or sad, but full of myself I'm not.
When I was in my early twenties, I was friends with this guy who told me I was obsessed with my own breasts. Which I was. It was the only part of me that I felt disconnected from. They had popped up over night when I was 18. I felt hideous, and I felt like they were these alien beings that had attached themselves to me. They seemed like they weren't really mine, but they did get more attention than I ever did.
My perspective on them may have been colored by my environment, but at that point it hadn't really occurred to me that I had anything else to offer. Maybe he was just being mean, or maybe he was trying to shed some light on how my behavior made me look to the people around me. I really don't know. But it did make me realize how far my low self-esteem had driven me. I stopped wearing revealing shirts. I figured it really didn't do anything but attract the kind of people that weren't really interested in getting past them to me.
There is no resolution or realization here. I have just felt this way for the longest time. I have no idea of how to solve it or make it better. There is no amount of money or success that will make my freckles go away, or my face, or me. I can't escape me. ever.
The only light in this story is that I have someone who loves me. And the glimpse that I search for in others perspectives is most often seen through his eyes. He points out the good things that he finds in me and the bad. He helps me put things in a new perspective. He makes changing and growing the way we live life. He strives to be a complete person and encourages me to be as well. But mostly he just accepts my flaws and lets me be empty of my self-loathing and full of what I am when I'm with him.
When I see anyone with freckles, I wonder if they hate them as much as I do. It just reminds me of how when I was a kid I used to wish for some sort of miracle where I'd wake up with this perfectly empty skin, and magically have also gained some kind of olive complexion that I wouldn't be embarrassed to show while wearing skirts.
I think my mother would say I've been reading way too many magazines, that my idea of beauty is severely warped. I think perhaps she is right, but the truth is, that it doesn't really matter what I think is beautiful or what I wish I was. I will always obsess about my imperfection. It's just something that I do. call me sick or sad, but full of myself I'm not.
When I was in my early twenties, I was friends with this guy who told me I was obsessed with my own breasts. Which I was. It was the only part of me that I felt disconnected from. They had popped up over night when I was 18. I felt hideous, and I felt like they were these alien beings that had attached themselves to me. They seemed like they weren't really mine, but they did get more attention than I ever did.
My perspective on them may have been colored by my environment, but at that point it hadn't really occurred to me that I had anything else to offer. Maybe he was just being mean, or maybe he was trying to shed some light on how my behavior made me look to the people around me. I really don't know. But it did make me realize how far my low self-esteem had driven me. I stopped wearing revealing shirts. I figured it really didn't do anything but attract the kind of people that weren't really interested in getting past them to me.
There is no resolution or realization here. I have just felt this way for the longest time. I have no idea of how to solve it or make it better. There is no amount of money or success that will make my freckles go away, or my face, or me. I can't escape me. ever.
The only light in this story is that I have someone who loves me. And the glimpse that I search for in others perspectives is most often seen through his eyes. He points out the good things that he finds in me and the bad. He helps me put things in a new perspective. He makes changing and growing the way we live life. He strives to be a complete person and encourages me to be as well. But mostly he just accepts my flaws and lets me be empty of my self-loathing and full of what I am when I'm with him.
posted by saucybritches at
3/21/2005 12:22:00 PM
3 Comments:
Girl, I've always thought you were beautiful. I know it's hard to learn to love your flaws, I don't know if anyone ever really does. But just remember that Tim and your friends (such as me) are smart people with really good taste and if we think your beautiful, then you should believe it also. If people say your full of yourself, ignore then, I know personally that you are often more interested in making others feel good, you were always a great help in making me feel good about myself. They just don't know how to deal with a stong, independent woman. So hold your head up high and try to start seeing all the beauty we see both in you and on the outside.
Miss you,
Echo
Look Erin...
Here is my recipe for feelin' down..
two candles
a bathtub
lotsa hot water
whatever you want to drink
eels, brendan benson, or sinead o'conner
a megaphone if you have one
a pet
and no work the next day.
I wish i could hug you, but i can't.
thanks for the kind words. i'm really not feeling as pathetic as i sound in that post. ;) sometimes i just get tired of being misunderstood. but at least you guys understand... I'm very lucky to have such amazing friends. (echo, I miss you too girl! When are ya moving out here????) :)
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